my husband is driving my daughter away my husband is driving my daughter away

It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter. July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom Ask the dentist: Why can some people not cope with the word 'fat'? But for practical advice: board games. You probably had no idea you were getting into this no-win relationship when it began. Dad thinks Im stupid. Dad thinks Im not good enough.. July 2, 2013, 1:17 pm. I AM going to say, though, that they are a *substantial* part of why all of that happened. (There was plenty of that too, but I felt like dismissing my nerdy interests hit the hardest because I felt like science-fiction, fantasy, history, video games and books taught me a lot of personal lessons about life, loss, and persevering. Now a couple of days ago I made a mistake and got behind the wheel of a car after having a few drinks and got a DUI. Sorry but I dont understand why you married him. A perfect starting point would be just a general interest activity, like board games or going to get ice cream. Apparently I am super wrong about This Old House my college friends would just give me a blank stare if I brought it up. Being oblivious to financial matters. The LWs husband sounds like my father. sarolabelle How frustrating for your husband that you have turned your daughter into a clone of all the things about you that are probably annoying to him Things he has quietly tolerated for years But now are somehow totally taking OVER your lives. Contact Us. Its a question many mothers ask themselves: why is my husband driving my daughter away? When you did actually accurately zero in once in a while, you may have thrived enough on the intermittent reinforcement to hang in for subsequent disappointing rounds. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. He may feel like he's being left out or that he isn't good enough for his daughter. WWS. Her daughter should stop liking it just because her mother likes it. And while there are many reasons why daughters might want their parents to split up, here are some of the most common ones: If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. But as a kid/teen, I wanted him to play. How can I tell my husband he's a terrible driver? In that instance, it is terrible timing and the dad should have listened to Indie when he came in in an emergency and the dad should have helped then and done the latin lesson later, but if that was a normal day home from scouting, then good for dad, because indie totally used that information later in life, even though it was annoying (and seemingly aloof) of his dad to be so demanding. Theres making a light-hearted joke when something is spilled, and then there is telling your child that what makes her happy is stupid. Dont let anyone else control your decisions. Instead, you never know how they are going to react to a given situation. When I was 12 I was into makeup, boys and candy. I would just like to briefly brag about my dad and how were going to this awesome music festival together this summer!!! Awesome post, Wendy The whole time reading the letter I was feeling a bit sorry for the dad, but mostly in the sense of Wow, sucks for him that hes such a big fat pain in the ass and no one likes him. Then I read your response and realized even if he is a pain in the ass, Mom has lots to work on too. Hey, that kind of worked for me. I dont see the comparison between telling a small child about healthy eating habits and forcing them to eat veggies and this situation. Is Your Partner Driving You Crazy? | Psychology Today As time went by, your belief that you had any influence at all was fading. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. In the past, every day held exciting discoveries about the one whose ring you now wear on your finger. A parent should NEVER make fun of their child. is the crux of your real issues here. Hmm, maybe. My first question is, would he want you to go with them when they go camping/hiking/whatever? Well, it made me sad that he didnt want to hear all about The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks when I read that. I read ahead in my history textbook during class because I liked it so much. I realized at a young age that compromise was an important thing in a relationship. Ive always found board games to be boring and so does my daughter. I would call that well-rounded. Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. Then wed throw it back and go back to just hanging out. I thought Wendys first sentence was actually pretty snotty which surprised the heck out of me. You sometimes got what you needed but not what you expected in unpredictable moments that made no sense. And not just to me and your husband. Dream! If youre struggling to get along with your teen or adult daughter, dont hesitate to seek professional help. This jealousy can manifest in destructive behavior, such as belittling his wife or trying to undermine her relationships with others. You dont have to love Justin Bieber and Broadway to just ask the kid why she loves it so much. However, my dad, who had all daughters, liked baseball and basketball and he was an outdoorsman. Theres something to be said for respecting other peoples interests and personalities. It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. But I cant help but think if you were only into cheerleaders, makeup and boys, that it would have been GOOD of your stepfather to encourage you to read more, even if it meant saying something along the lines that youd regret not knowing more about the literary world or about current events. Hes trying to be a parent to her and teach her what he thinks is important for her to know, while I am trying to encourage her to develop her own interests and do what she loves. He's been this way for some time, so I suspect he will not change quickly nor easily. He likes baseball, but he doesnt want to go to games, he likes golf, but he doesnt ever go, he likes history, but he doesnt really like books, hell watch something about the JFK assassination if its on the history channel but cant be bothered to pop in a DVDgift giving, really, is impossible, as is spending time with him that doesnt involve eating. I think the disparaging, if nothing else, has got to stop. Sometimes that means taking a step back and letting things calm down before you try to mediate. And I dont think that tv shows a mature, intelligent adult would watch necessarily means they are good shows to watch. You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. he wants to teach her to drive. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. This mother needs to chill out a bit. Hold on there, NKOTB are STILL awesome! Id love to hang out with her. Things like going for ice cream. Interested in science? Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Older and (hopefully) wiser Heck, where would we be without Star Trek? if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4','ezslot_15',127,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4-0');And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. Act like one. Why Does Your Daughter Wants You To Leave Your Husband? oh, wait - his father wanted nothing to do with him for years. This can be a normal and healthy part of adolescence, but it can also be painful for parents who feel like they are losing the close relationship they once had with their child. Its interesting how the commenters with nice, loving parents saw this one way, and those of us with our experience saw it as something much darker. Youre mad at your dad, not at me! Shes all the better for it. Beware of These 5 Ways You May Unintentionally Push Your Man Away And its his behavior that is the problem and his behavior that needs to change here. Its also important to take into account your daughters age and stage of development. Do I look back on those times with my dad now and appreciate the time we spend together? But you know what? (I threw it all up and cried. WWS, and YOU need to stop pulling away from your husband, because he doesnt have the same interests as your daughter. I just happened to end up having a pretty great kid, and a pretty great guy. You may not see the rewards right away. I hiked and canoed. Your husband sounds like a jerk. And make it a good one. bittergaymark I think I read this differently than Wendy. I cant think of a single interest that we shared from when I was a teenager that I didnt learn from him in some way. EVER. I dont know where that gene comes from I know I dont have it. More my daughter is a student and is not working right now, so i don't have her paying. Both parents have to work on appreciating her interests and her, while asking her to explore theirs as well. Liquid Luck Its every parents nightmare: watching their child drift away from them. But believe it or not, a lot of my nerdy students do like Buffy quite a few of them go to conventions, and as far as I can tell, theyre just giant nerd festivals, so its actually kind of easy to encounter something that was popular 15 years ago because where there are nerds, there is Buffy. His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). (This led me to be labeled as the quitter.) Over time, you may have begun to feel a little desperate, wondering if there wasnt some sort of underlying game going on. He is, however, driven and self-reliant. When combined with the eye rolling and disparaging, that all adds up to he isnt joking about it. In four decades of observing crazy-making partners in therapy, I have seen many underlying reasons why these people will simply not let their partners add up any pleasing points. A lot of painful disappointments in life. July 2, 2013, 2:36 pm. Unfortunately, the old woman fell ill, and Janet had to marry a worthless man in place of her parents' biological daughter to meet the maid's medical expenses. ), and Vietnam, but he doesnt care much about the hippie culture, so even though I love that, we skip that. We have a 1-year-old daughter together. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. Id definitely address his eye-rolling and tell him it is likely going to drive her away, but I also think that if you make an effort to stop excluding him, you might find his behavior improving. Definitely. Regardless of your beliefs, from the facts laid out, he is not an involved father. , temperance The Inner Light, frequently hailed as one of the most poignant sci-fi television episodes of all time. You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. Which sort of circles back to point that even if this dad doesnt connect with his daughters interests, he really should make an effort. And my dad is a veritable warehouse of rocknroll trivia when a new song came on, hed often share a fact he knew about the band (Did you know Rush is a three-person band, and that the bassist is the lead singer?), or tell us about a concert he went to in his youth (hes been on stage with Ozzy, yall, close enough to see the O-Z-Z-Y tattooed across his knuckles), or quiz me and my brother to see if we knew who the band was or what the song was. But he read the paper and talked about the articles, so I started reading the paper and talking about the articles. Would I have said, at 12 or 13, Hey Dad, hows about a trip to Home Depot on this fine Sunday? I just wonder if there is an approach I have not considered. I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. But I do think, however hes approaching it, the dad needs to come from a starting place thats going to pique the daughhers interests. It should open up LWs eyes to the reality of the situation. Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. A my worldview is the best worldview type of parenting works out for no one, as my mother found out. He came home four hours later. I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. Theyre bonding against him because hes being hurtful to both of them. So, tell your husband to make an effort with her rather than making her feel like shit about her choices. I dont get the sense that the dad is making any effort to get to know his daughter he just wants a reflection of himself and is acting like an immature ass in the process. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. (I highly recommend looking into how to cook with your fish encased in salt, something magical happens.). For instance my freshman daughter doesn't have a cellphone yet. Tell them in detail what you like about them. He even told me the next day that he was the luckiest guy in the world. Sad. I was just trying to say basically the same thing, but it got all garbled. Some article about historical events that are echoed in Firefly, for example, or some new technology that brings us one step closer to Star Trek, or the genuine history of witchcraft that was included in Harry Potter. Find your shared interests and go from there? bittergaymark I had NO IDEA what that was, so I did the can-can. July 3, 2013, 3:26 am, You probably know this already but Meribor = Picards daughter. I dont know why the father doesnt like Star Trek, but shows like Eureka, Warehouse 13, and Revolution are all pretty good cross sections of fangirlyness and science. bittergaymark Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. Weird. Your Husband & Daughter Don't Get Along: How to Resolve - TRN Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! Oh, This Old House. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. He just can't grasp the cost of a wedding. You dont have to worship the same pop culture icons to have solid relationships. Finally, try to create opportunities for one-on-one time between your husband and daughter. Thanks temp! :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. Mommy and daddy present a united front. Otherwise, how are kids going to learn tolaugh at themselves? I was saying thats debatable. Now she's asked me to talk to him for her and, the truth is, I'm fed up with her moping and simply don't want to. There are many things I love about my husband. I enjoyed it so much, I went both mornings. There are also a bunch of shows on the history channel or the science channel about science-fiction kind of stuff. Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. Last Friday night, he worked late and came home exhausted. He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. Hmm, Im getting a different vibe from this letter than Wendy is? Substance Abuse and Child Custody | WomansDivorce Jake O'Kane: Is the DUP really going to sink the Assembly and reject the Windsor Framework? July 3, 2013, 1:14 am, Lily in NYC He's just as cool and aloof with me these days and I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore. Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her.. LW, would your husband be up for a night of board games with you and your daughter? Seriously, have you heard their new stuff? WE cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if WE are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell US to stop because it annoys him. I mean, you cant FORCE a kid to like camping. And like I said above, I like the idea of assignments to widen your daughters horizons. When children become teenagers, they sometimes start to distance themselves from their parents. Unfortunately for your husband, its not as easy for him to nurture his relationship with his adolescent daughter and rather than helping him and by extension, your daughter create a closer parent-child bond, you seem to be almost delighting in the Us Against Him mentality you share with your daughter (we look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him, etc.). But the dad is giving the kid homework? Self-centered passive-aggressive husband driving me crazy I really think there might be a way for dad and daughter to meet in the middle here. , Did anyone else ever watch Home Improvement? I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. I would truly hope that he doesnt realize how personal his criticisms are to a 12-year-old girl (because, if he kept doing it, then he would absolutely be the bully), and that he actually cares about having a relationship with his daughter more than molding her into his ideal child. All of this has tended to push her (and me, to some extent) away from him. Only one parent here is enforcing assignments on their child. I think it still disappoints him that I dont enjoy it, and havent watched it all. He wants her to watch history and science shows with him, and go hiking, camping and backpacking. I think theres something to be said for being well-rounded. I was able to read teen magazines but they made sure it was balanced. Parents should be parents and kids should be kids. July 2, 2013, 1:26 pm. I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. But I would say that Dad needs to try not to do the whole disparaging remarks thing. Im not even saying all of the things listed are mature and intelligent, but that people can be smart and informed and still like these things. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. I think most people worry about their daughters if they arent active enough and lay around watching tv or reading too much. (directed at the view in general, not you Fabelle) Am I not a read mid-twentysomething because I like them? But I agree with everything else you said. My husband is driving me crazy over my daughters wedding On the other hand it takes work for my mom and I to have things to bond over most of our conversations revolve around cooking (her passion that my sister did not pick up) and our dogs (unfortunately our dogs dont get along but we still trade dog stories all day). The letter says the daughter cant watch what she is interested in when he is around. It can be even tougher to try to figure out what to do about it. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. Hes embarrassing her. When I was growing up, I always watched The Andy Grifith Show, My Three Sons, and Leave it to Beaver, because those were the shows that were on, and I love those shows, but my father didnt force me to watch them, it was just what was on TV at the time. Anyway, we had to go visit one of his aunts who was dying in the hospital, and my dad admitted to me that he didnt WANT to go and said he was dreading it (which was not something hed normally say to me), but that sometimes you have to do stuff you dont want to do. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm, If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often.. 1. Additionally, she may worry that a new man in your life will try to take his place and replace him entirely. You became a drudge, in spite of him being a great guy and loving you madlybecause. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_10',130,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');You feel yourself in big trouble when suddenly your husband and daughter are caught in the middle of a nasty argument. July 2, 2013, 4:19 pm. Why Is My Husband Driving My Daughter Away (15 Reasons) Otherwise theyll never be able accept the ribbing and teasing that happens in life. Shes pulling away because hes hypercritical of her AND their daughter. Its so longgggggggg! But that means he has to find something that *will* interest her, which means hes got to make some effort as well. Also hi BGM. He can take care of himself." Like many women,. lets_be_honest Manage Settings So if you lend your car to your best friend, your sister or even your second cousin, your insurance is most often the insurance that will pay in the event of an accident. If this girl is a only child and is used to having her mom love all the same things she does, then she may not be particularly receptive to reading about something that doesnt interest her or doing things she doesnt like. However, its wife that wrote in. Tell you daughter its important she spend time with her dad and why. I agree with what Wendy said, but I also think the dad needs to show interests in her interests. My brother did not. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_18',131,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_19',131,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-2-multi-131{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}However, when conflict arises between a parent and child, it can be even more difficult to resolve. Husband treats 15 year old step son badly : r/Advice Also, at what point does the LW start to teach her daughter that she should stand up for herself and her interests hate to think about the precedent being set that we must always cowtow to the man of the house. A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. Good musicals can be complex and beautiful and again, deal with some pretty mature themes. No matter what state the person is in, he or she may face criminal prosecution of drunk driving when behind the wheel with a confirmed blood alcohol content of 0.08 percent or higher as the national limit. And for your husband to expect your daughter to have more than your own vapid interests, REALLY doesnt make him a bad parent. I think my dad was guilty of that sometimes and he really regrets it. So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. I hated being around my father because it was constant criticism about my interests, which frankly, felt very personal because I was deficient for not being what he wanted. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Tell you husband to ease up a little bit. At a certain point you just have to laugh at all the differences and enjoy the fact that the other person is having a good time! No. And musicals should be revered as an art form. And totally agreed on the book front. Do you have any idea how thrilled he was? if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. Manchester United bidders move to the next stage of takeover process', Remo Freuler admits Everton's visit is biggest game of season for Forest. How to Cope When Your Spouse Is Driving You Crazy I have to just try harder.. bittergaymark Does Your Partner Drive You Nuts? The Passive Aggressive Personality Here are a few things you can do to try and improve the relationship between them: Its not uncommon for daughters to want their parents to divorce. Which I think is terrible and it really upsets me when she says this. temperance Of course they have an us against him mentality when he acts like that. My husband s father always disparaged his interests when he was younger. sign, Get the day's headlines delivered directly to your inbox, You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush. 1. This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. Its already happening. I mean, maybe? First, remember that it is normal for there to be some conflict between a parent and child. July 2, 2013, 1:18 pm, Um, both piano recitals and spelling bees are CONSTRUCTIVE activities Fangirling? LW, I think encouraging your daughter to spend time with her dad is so important. I dont think there is any one size fits all strategy. Husband treats 15 year old step son badly. Theyll sacrifice a perfect moment of tenderness if they feel there is the possibility of a reciprocal expectation lurking behind the scenes.